7 Ways to Entertain Yourself While Watching the Masters

Did you wake up this morning with a hushed yet well-articulated announcer's voice in your skull somberly intoning: "It's day two here in beautiful Augusta, Georgia"? Or "Couple of good putts, almost an eagle, guaranteed birdie, and suddenly, life is sweet again"? If yes, did this voice prompt you to jump out of bed and set the TiVo for this weekend's live broadcast of the Masters Tournament? Or did it inspire the opposite, and lull you back to sleep quicker than a handful of Ambien? The Masters Tournament, also known as The Masters, The U.S. Masters, or five days of excruciating boredom, is played every year the first week of April. Live TV coverage of the tournament begins this weekend, which means you can look forward to the ideal background noise to accompany Spring cleaning, practicing the guitar, or one of the seven activities we list below.

  1. Google Loredana Jolie

    Golf has always banked on a pretense of civility and good breeding. However, these two qualities went down the proverbial toilet in the wake of the scandal involving golf pro Tiger Woods' extramarital affairs with 15 escorts, most of them wanna-be or actual porn stars. In this week's news, just in time for the Masters, one of Woods' bimbos, Loredana Jolie, told various press outlets that she is "reinventing herself as a wedding dress seller," with a collection of handcrafted dresses that will go on sale in May. A website for this venture will be up soon. So guys, why not have some fun this weekend? Fire up the Internet, and whenever Woods is up to tee, type "Loredana Jolie,""wedding," and "photos" into Google's search engine. Who knows what might pop up? Married guys might want to select "private browsing" before doing this.

  2. Remodel the interior of your home so it matches the Augusta course

    Remember that scene in Close Encounters of the Third Kind when during a family dinner Richard Dreyfuss, to the horror of his wife and kids, shapes Wyoming's Devils Tower out of a pile of mashed potatoes? If you're similarly obsessed not with space aliens but with golf, especially golf as it is played once a year at the private Augusta National Golf Club, try remodeling the interior of your home so that it resembles the greens, bunkers, and landscaping of the Augusta course. You can use kitty litter for sand traps, cheap but colorful flowers from the local grocery store to replace the azaleas that didn't bloom in time for the Masters, and strategically placed bowls of water for ponds.

  3. Consider the plight of the homeless

    You might look at the vast expanse of the Augusta course and wonder what it might be used for during the months when grown men, dressed in orange or yellow pants, aren't wandering across its expanse chasing after tiny white balls they've hit with crooked metal or wood sticks. The late comedian George Carlin proposed that each of the more than 18,000 golf courses in the U.S. might be put to good use as land on which to build low-cost housing for our ever-growing homeless population. Considering many of the people responsible for homelessness play golf, this seems like a fair trade.

  4. Consider a career as a miniature golf pro

    In Las Vegas, tourists can visit and play on an indoor, glow-in-the-dark, miniature golf course inspired in its design by the monster rock band KISS. In keeping with our theme of marital relations, we'd like to note that there is a chapel on the course, in case you want to get married before attempting a hole-in-one! With this in mind, aspiring athletes might want to consider the choice between two very different sports careers. The first, a stressful life in the public eye that requires you wear itchy polo shirts in relentless heat while trying not to bogey in front of a bunch of rich snobs. The second, time spent under black lights getting wasted and listening to KISS while trying to make a putt up a giant tongue and into Gene Simmons' mouth? We think the choice is clear.

  5. Teach yourself to make a pimento cheese sandwich

    There are some traditions so "deeply ingrained" in the culture that surrounds the Masters, like skipping golf balls across a pond during the practice rounds, that suggesting otherwise will be met with scorn, and perhaps the heretic being burned alive at the stake. The pimento cheese sandwich, a cheese on white bread sandwich, is one such tradition, belonging with the Masters just like hot dogs goes with baseball. But you know what? They're actually pretty tasty. So why not trying whipping up a batch of your own? Of course, the snobs at Augusta boast having some kind of "secret recipe" for their sandwiches, so try not to feel inferior in your culinary efforts.

  6. Place your bets on Tiger Woods or Phil Mickelson

    Let's get real. The main reason people are going to tune in to the Masters this weekend is to see if either Tiger Woods or Phil Mickelson wins and goes home with that ugly green jacket. Sure, Phil Mickelson is an awesome athlete, but Tiger is "Tiger" — one of those athletes you refer to by one name and one name only. It's gonna be a tough fight. A victory for Mickelson would be his fourth, tying him with Woods and the great Arnold Palmer. Woods on the other hand is shooting for his fifth Masters win, putting him just three away from tying Jack Nicklaus, the "Golden Bear." If you are a member of Gamblers Anonymous, this match-up is your sponsor's worst nightmare. Of course, either of these two might have a meltdown before Saturday, prompting many viewers to turn off their TV, open their laptops, and surf for Loredana Jolie photos.

  7. Try to figure out what caddies do

    They don't appear too much and yet they earn a whole lot of money. What does a caddy do besides carry the golf bags? As you watch the Masters, work on your lip reading skills and try to discern what each caddy whispers to their boss just before they select a particular golf club. Are they providing reads and yardages? Advising as to where a break is so that the player knows which direction to putt a ball? Or are they quietly, and gently, like that voice you may have heard in your skull this morning, asking for a raise, because those golf clubs are really friggin' heavy?

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