Jay-Z has gone soft. Real soft. In lieu of spitting his usual hot fire, Jay-Z debuted the newly born rap anthem "Glory" on his Life + Times website this week, featuring none other than the cries of his own newborn, baby Blue Ivy Carter. He certainly gets big ups for controlling, and profiting from, the media arc of the story surrounding his new daughter's conception and wife Beyonce's previous miscarriage, and he's surely not the first man in history to write a song about his child that is more fittingly claimed as a humblebrag about his sex life. A ballad of seemingly epic personal proportions, "Glory" is proof that one of Jay-Z's 99 problems has got to be his newfound sentimentalism.
And no one can blame him. From being a child of Marcy House projects to being valued at over $450 million in 2010, and having a lovely family to boot, Jay-Z has it all. All…except for his megalomaniacal sense of humor. What happened, Jay? Why so serious? More in the meter of Jay and Kanye West's up-tempo "Otis," here are 10 alternate, timely lyrics more fitting of "Glory."
B.I.C. in 20-12,
Glock boom! It's an election year.
Coppin' news cycles from Obama,
Huh-hah! And you got smaller ears.
I named you Ivy and I named you Blue,
Easy little words to rhyme,
'Cuz I write rap,
I don't write hai-ku.
You kicked inside Queen B,
Pre-birth you even knew that kung fu.
I'm mobbin' diapers, rattles,
Clueless Dad, I don't know what it do.
Your mom and me, we took the fourth floor,
Sec-u-ri-ty so tight they wouldn't let Tanisha in the door.
And Neil Coulson,
He was forcibly removed from baby ICU,
Ain't seein' his sick twins,
But baby — I see you.
Crazy Christians be trippin'
Callin' you the Anti-Christ.
I own America, Roca Nation,
Illuminati need be thinkin' twice.
Yo, Baby Blue,
They call you Baby Satan,
I call you B.I.C.,
'Cuz don’t you know they just be hatin'.
Kelly Rowland gonna send you some dat Dolce and Gabbana.
Auntie Gwenyth's tweetin' at ya,
Hoo-wah! So is Auntie Rihanna.
Call up Auntie Solange
When you feel real down,
Uncle Didd's got your first vodka,
50 Cent's your birthday clown.
Auntie Oprah, listen to her,
'bout how to live your best each day.
But Uncle Kanye, just ignore him,
he's got crazy s**t to say.
You will learn, baby. Nothin' in life,
No, it don’t come for free.
But as for right now,
Let momma teach you 'bout her flair.
She wanna put you in Baby Dior,
But you gon' be sportin' Roca Wear.
People jockin' on your name,
but Blue Ivy ain't so bad.
Lucky I ain't call you Moon Unit,
like Zappa was your dad.
Diva Thin Muffin,
Zuma Nesta Rock,
celebrities in shock.
Yuh! I'm callin' out your name,
and your kids' names too,
You can call us Jay and B,
our baby's Baby Blue.
We spent a CEO's sal-a-ry,
On your baby nur-se-ry.
But Daddy didn't go all out,
And give a solid golden pony.
Tabloids is lyin'.
My new baby's cryin'.
And pictures of you in two weeks,
Those rags is gonna be buyin'.
Twitter be callin' you Lay-Z,
'Cuz baby daddy's name is Jay-Z
Nine months ago,
Someone got laid.
Proof! It was me.
I to the Vizzo
Y to the Blizzay
My baby's here now
And that's all I've got to sizzay.